Today I feel a calling in my heart to share something very personal with you. I may regret this later in my life…but maybe I won’t. I have this strong feeling that someone, somewhere can relate to this – so here I go. Today I want to share with you the prayer I wrote in my journal to God this morning. I write in this journal everyday after I read my devotional and I usually write about whatever is on my heart or how it relates to the readings.
I hope this relates to you somehow, and if not – well, being vulnerable is something I am trying to get better at and this is just about as vulnerable as it gets…
I know I sound like a broken record but I am lonely. Yes, I said lonely for the 1432th time. I am physically lonely and that romantic-emotional lonely only a partner can fill. You see, I don’t necessarily like this book I am reading* about how we aren’t promised a husband and that we shouldn’t be asking for a husband and children when there are far more important things in the world. I get it, I really do. But what I don’t get is why You took the rib of a man and made a woman? Or why it takes a man and a woman to create a baby? Why? Doesn’t that mean there is someone out there for everyone? Someone to do life with and grow closer to You with? I truly do believe you have someone out there for me who is my perfect man. There is an ache in my heart that I know only a child can fill. But are these just my expectations? I just have a hard time believing this 21st century bologna that we don’t necessarily need a partner and children to solve all our sad, sorry problems. I do think there are people out there who prefer to be single. (And you know I respect those who remain celibate in monasticism!!) but in my heart, soul, and brain – where I feel You most – I have a feeling there is someone, somewhere waiting for me. You have someone waiting for me. And I have this strong, strange sense that everything is going to be just fine. So today I am turning this prayer – altering it a little. Instead of praying for a husband to appear within the next week, month, or year – I am praying for patience. I am praying for selflessness. And I am praying for trust. I pray that you hold my hand and show me what I can be more patient in my day-to-day life so that I can get better at it. I pray for selflessness and flexibility because it is no secret my Type-A personality thrives on my routine and structure. But maybe my soulmate doesn’t want to go to bed at 8 pm and wake up at 4 am. Maybe my soulmate hates coffee. Maybe my soulmate washes and dries his clothes on normal instead of delicate. Maybe my soulmate doesn’t immediately put his dishes in the dishwasher as soon as he is done with them. I pray that you show me more ways I can be more flexible and selfless with my time and routine so that I can bring those virtues into a romantic relationship one day. And lastly, I pray for trust. I pray You bring me more opportunities where I can do nothing but draw closer to You and rely my heart fully on You. I pray those times of trust cease any doubts that ever creep into my head. I pray You challenge me in every selfish flaw because I so badly need it.
You are my rock. You are my maker. You are the steady hand.
In Your Name,
* I decided not to share the book that I am reading because I don’t want my opinions to influence yours!