I don’t want to be you anymore.

*This post may contain images/words that are triggering to anyone who is going through an eating disorder or who has been through one.

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It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and let me tell ya, I have been putting off writing this blog post.

Not because I was scared of being judged or afraid to look back at my past – I just don’t even know how to relate to the girl I once was. I’m not even really sure how to write about her.

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I used to think (seriously not even a year ago) that my eating disorder defined me. I was “the girl with the eating disorder” or “the girl who used to weigh x amount of weight” or “the girl who used to wear the smallest jean size”. And for a long, long, time I thought that those roles influenced my new ones: “the girl who isn’t skinny enough to be healthy”, “the girl who’s BMI says she’s overweight”, “the girl who pants size is bigger than her mom”.

That’s so silly.

But I used to think that! Up until the Summer of 2018 I was consumed at all hours of the day with these terrible thoughts that if I wasn’t a size 2 like I was when I was “skinny” then I wasn’t healthy. That’s still an eating disorder folks. I went from being incredibly thin to a little over what a comfortable weight felt like.

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You can read all about my eating disorder in high school HERE.

But I don’t want to talk about the “skinny” version of my eating disorder anymore. I did that already.

I want to talk about the girl who seemed to have it all together but was slowly killing herself mentally and emotionally.

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I went from being the lowest weight I have ever been (as an adult) to being the highest weight I have ever been. That’s tough on a person. Especially a person who was trying to be a healthy lifestyle blogger. I felt like I didn’t look the part.

You guys…I seriously used to think that being “skinny” meant you were healthy. What the hell?!

You can ask my family, everyday was “am I too big?”, “is that REALLY what I look like?!” ,”I can’t step on the scale, I’ll break it”, “I can’t eat bread – it looks like I already ate a whole loaf”.

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Holy cannoli that old mentality makes me want to punch that girl in the face.

…that may be a little aggressive. But imagine a person who TALKS ABOUT THEMSELVES and THEIR WEIGHT 24/7. It’s all they think about. Wouldn’t you want to *kindly* tell them to shut the hell up and punch them in the face?

Looking back on that girl I realize she was missing a key things in her life:

She was consumed and surrounded by toxic people and negative energy!

This is why things never improved. This is why things kept getting worse little by little.

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This girl had zero trust in God on His plans for her future. This girl surrounded herself with people who only talked about their looks / weight. This girl only followed people on Instagram who made her feel poorly about herself. This girl compared herself to every little thing that breathed. This girl was sad, lonely, scared, depressed, and most of all – she felt unworthy. She felt unworthy of any good thing coming her way because she truly lacked self-love. She didn’t even know self-love was a thing!

Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3

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So, this girl… well, me – met someone: A bright, shiny light that radiates positivity and a healthy mindset. When I met this person I didn’t even know they were going to change my life. It’s as if God literally said “Here you go! You have no idea what you are in store for!”

I have tears in my eyes writing this.

This bright, shiny light is my mentor today. It didn’t happen overnight – in fact, it took 5-6 months for me to even begin to realize I needed to change if I wanted to be a bright light too.

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I have said this before and I will say it again: I discovered the power behind personal growth and self-development and I ran with it. NO – I FLEW with it. I soared! I bought every self-help book under the sun. I journaled every day how I was feeling. I prayed harder than I ever have in my life. I cut ties with all the negative people in my life. I immersed myself in a community of positive, like-minded people (I love my JP+ fam!), and I listened to my mentor. Whatever she said – I did. Because I so desperately wanted to be a bright, shiny light not only for myself, but for someone else who may have been struggling!

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 1 John 5:14

I went from looking in the mirror HATING who was staring back at me and coming up with ZERO things I liked about myself – to someone who LOVES who they are. I look in the mirror and I LITERALLY high-five myself, tell myself I am doing great, and give myself a compliment.

And I refuse to apologize for how egotistic that sounds.

When you are at your lowest of self-deprecating thoughts – you need to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING in your power to make sure you are filling your mind and soul with SELF-LOVE every single day. No matter how you do it.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. Psalm 56:3

About two month ago my mentor told me to write a notebook page front and back of all the things I loved about myself. She told me to say them morning and night without fail until I believed every single thing I wrote down.

You guys, I cannot tell you how powerful self-love can be. When I learned to love who I am – I was able to fully love others. I was able to spend less time worrying about my jean size or stepping on the scale and more time sending someone a thank-you note or talking to someone about their health goals.

I don’t know where I would be today if it wasn’t for my mentor and my Juice Plus+ family. When you decide to start your own business – they don’t tell you just how much personal growth you will be getting along the way.

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So, this eating disorder post is a little different from my first one. But this is my journey. This is how I went from a girl who hated the way she looked and was scared to eat carbs – to a girl who looks in the mirror and LOVES every single thing about herself. A girl who eats healthy and doesn’t stress about the calories in a cinnamon roll. A girl who laughs more in a day than she used to in a month. A girl who smiles at strangers and says hello with confidence. Hell, I am now a girl who goes up to men and gives them a compliment! Do you know how much confidence that takes?!? I would have NEVER even felt worthy to go up to a handsome man.

Don’t let your past define who you were meant to be. You are worthy, you are loved, and you are beautiful in every single way.

And so, to my eating disorder and my old mentality I say:

I don’t want to be you anymore.

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If you are struggling with an eating disorder/mental health – please seek help from a professional or through the following websites:

Suicide Prevention

NEDA

And lastly, don’t hesitate to email me if you are struggling. I am here to help in any way I can. Thank you guys for being on this journey with me. I think you’re really great. ❤

But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. Psalm 13:5