Recently (aka the past 20 years) I have struggled with a darkness that consumes me, a darkness that controls me, and a darkness that is constant.
Maybe you struggle with a darkness too.
I use to try to hide my darkness from God. I would pretend like it didn’t exist. I would act like it was “just the devil” controlling my thoughts. I suppose it is true that the devil is putting darkness into my mind, but its ME who actively seeks out those evil thoughts.
I see someone I may not “like” and I actively point out their flaws. Who am I that I even get to point out someone’s flaws?
I am human.
I am human and that is why it is so, so, so important that I turn to God. I can’t hide from Him.
In the Orthodox Church we have confession. Confession. That word sounds scary and it is. I use to hate the idea of standing before the icon of Christ and the Priest confessing my flaws. Confessing why I wasn’t perfect. Confessing the darkness within me.
If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.
1 John 1:8-10
I guess what I am trying to say is that we need to accept the darkness inside us. Whether that is jealously, greed, or any other transgression, we need to accept it. It’s what makes us human and Christ the Truth. How can we ask God for His forgiveness if we cannot acknowledge our own wrongdoing?
Accept the darkness so you can actively seek the Light.